:(

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 05:04:02 GMT

Hmm, itz been a while since i've wrote anything meaningful, perhaps i might tonight. Life has become so drab in the last year. Things seemed to be becoming more lively in the last few weeks, but honestly that's not what i need. It's just been that same old song played again, only difference is it's been a year since I've heard it. But now the slight belief i was enjoying it has started to fizzle, and i realize i need a new beat to dance away too.
Drinking has become my latest crutch, and oh how great it's been passing out in a dirty slobbering pit of filth every night. Haha, i can laugh at that in a cenical way. Same stuff, day by day. Yeah, i see now that life offers limited golden oppertunites to take "an" easier path, but some people (me being one of the poor bastards) seem to be too damn stubborn to realize the goldenness of those chances. We bastards are the ones that come to realize our mistakes several years down the road, when we wake up in our grandparents spare bedroom, or best friend's coach, possibly the basement of our parents house, or if you're really unfortunate, the side of the road smelling worse than the dumpster behind the chinese restaurant. Hehe, yea ok i make things sound worse than they really are for certain, but hey some people actually do end up in these unfathomed "prisons" so to speak. It seemz to be human nature, for prolly 97% of the population, to reach a zenith of perseverance to life's henderences. It's so easy to give up and except what life seems to be handing you. This is where my latest trifle seemz to be chastising my life long desires. I had been seemingly enduring a mental stasis. Perhaps by the grace of God i'll endure it to the end and rise about happily again. Oh how i miss the innocense and comforts of youth.

Sat, 28 Aug 2004 07:05:36 GMT

Everyone sux, yeah, really tired of everyone, can't even bribe "friends" with money anymore. So I was stranded in WS tonight no one would come get me, nor could I get a hold of anyone. Well, finally got a hold of Josh, said 30 to 45 min. Waited, waited, waited. Called at 11:30, hehe, didn't show, was 1:00 A.M. at the Harris Teeter in Thru-Way. God really does exist, if anyone's curious. An old friend, I really don't know that well showed up out of no where, happy as could be to see me. Well, perhaps after all I could get with a girl. Not telling who, but you all should know her. She was my angel sent. Thank you Jesus.

Don't really know what I did to make everyone hate me, I'm sure itz just my depressive personality I've developed in the past few months, but to everyone that has scourned me, sorry. Perhaps, I won't make you feel like a leper or what ever the next time we encounter.

Sat, 21 Aug 2004 07:08:37 GMT

This Velvet Glove

Sat, 21 Aug 2004 06:51:13 GMT

How I miss people from DC. I think back, and well, there's things I wish I could change, but can't oh well.

Decisions Decisions

Sat, 21 Aug 2004 04:16:48 GMT

Do you ever feel like your caught between your dreams and the life you want to lead, and work and the reality of life you have to face? I do, ecspecially right now, Workin is great, but I wish I had a job that I could take off when ever I needed to or wanted to, I really need to be self employed, but sure so does everyone else, right? My job kinda sux anyway, everyone wants to get on to me for taken a few minutes extra during my breaks, not even meanin to, but then they take like an extra 10 or 15 minutes. What the hell is that about? I had applied for the produce department, and some how I ended up in the meat department, and I really dislike it, it stinks, I have to stay behind a counter, and I have to deal with the public more now. Itz really not worth the $6.50 they pay me. So I'm thinkin bout settin up a new job, then black mailin my boss into more hourly wage, or I'm gone. Man, I keep meeting all of these great people, but I just can't seem to grasp what I'm lookin for. I really don't know what I'm lookin for though. Cute gurls, cute guys, both, hehe, I really just dont know. I met this pretty kool guy, we messed around a bit, it was fun, but I find out that he may have been messin around with Landon, anyone that knows Landon Boggs knows why that disturbs me. OK, Ginni, you're probably the only person eho knows who I'm talkin bout, but anyway. Yeah, so that ruined all the thoughts of good and hapiness I had for that guy :( Oh, well, one day.

Winston Salem Kidz are kool as Hell

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 06:12:43 GMT

Damn, since all you bumbs have dissed me I've had to make knew friends out in Winston Salem. Today was great, I got free beer from these two hot chicks named Catherine and Lauren who have become my gurls. To my surprise this girl Lexi I just met was wasted, and being the overly nice guy I can be, I took care of her bubbly ass. It was sweet, she keep rubbing her ass into my dick, but sadly it didn't do much for me. :( Yeah, but she asked me if I liked her skirt, and of course I did, it was a hot little black # then she preceeded to ask me if I'd care to see what was under her skirt, DAMN!!!!!!!!! I was tempted, but I am a gentlemen, and I couldn't take advantage of her like that. Anyway, anyone not too busy give me a call sometime, 408-2224 is my cellie. I wanna chill with my DC friends again as well. Missing all the familiar faces, somebody come over and SPOON with me, hahahahahaha. I'll serenade your ears with the lovely lyrics of Anthony Keidis (The only person I idolize), and relax you with a massage fit for a king.

Omni sunt formosa
(All are beautiful)

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 05:49:47 GMT

Comment telling me the first memory that comes to mind when you think of me, then if you feel like it or are just bored out of your mind, copy and paste this into your livejournal.

180

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 04:03:51 GMT

I now have the greatest job ever, I get to chop fruit up and eat the whole time I'm workin, never been better. I don't have to put up with the public too much, and if I'm tired of there bullshit, then I can go to the back. Yeah, well great, but problems are still arise, not the issue of quittin herb and such, but that my family expects me to throw away all my friends, all my old ways, and they've been monitoring my every move, askin questions they don't normally ask, and quite honestly, it makes me feel alieniated. Ecpesially now that hardly anyone acknowledges my existance anymore, aside from the occasional hey Ben!!!! :) I mean it could be worse they could say, fuck off bitch, or worse, completely ignore me. Haha, I still have people that treat me the same, Love to yall, thx Mike and Mike. Whitney and Vanessa are still my home gurls, but kinda awkward, they're hangin out with all my old friends now (without me) :(, and a guy I've always considered a brother since I've met him doesn't want to have anything to do with me. some shit has been spread trough my family like wild fire, and now they all think he's been forcing drugs on me or somethin, well thanks who ever started this fucking shit, thanks a lot. Listening to The Chili Peppers reminds me of my life too much. If you care, look at the lyrics of This Velvet Glove, I love that song, but it makes me sad, a happy sad, cause at least someone else feels the way I do, I'm not alone.

Oh the Joy of sobriety

Fri, 30 Jul 2004 06:03:34 GMT

Its been a while, I haven't smoked the ganj, but does it bother me? NOOOO, I haven't felt this good in a while. My determination has returned, ok already decided that a few days ago, haha. I'm really getting tired spending my nights fiddling with the computer, but it passes the time by. What is there to do anymore, I hate not having a job, and not going to school, the only reason people call me any fucking more is for pot, pot, pot, POT!!!!!! Is that really the only reason my "friends" have hungout with me? Ugh, Ginni I miss you, you never wanted to hangout just for POT!!!!! I hope you read this some time, Cause you bout the only person that does any way. I dont even know why I post this shit, but I do get to clear my mind for the night, whatever's brewin up here, I can spill out on this damn web site. SCREAM, doesn't help, but I'll do it again, YELL, HALLA. OK gotta go before someone thinks I'm crazy or somethin.

Love to all

Benjy

I can't ever get things right

Mon, 26 Jul 2004 05:33:10 GMT

So I planned to go to church with my Dad and his wife, then I tell my grandma that I'll work for her this morning, cause itz her annaversary, but I don't do either. I woke up at 7:00 this morning sleep walking appearently. I thought I seen my grandma on her bed in a black dress, asleep, but she wasn't. I figured if she was still asleep she wasn't ready to take me to work. So I come back into my room to go to bed, at least I thought, well she told me that I wasn't in here. Really made me wonder what happened, because I woke up in my bed.??? Must have been out walking around in Oak Valley, cause I had dreamed I was in a plce similar to it. Honestly though it makes me wanna laugh, I would love if I slept walked every night, and like ended up in random places every time I woke up. It'd be great. Ugh, nothing exciting today, but tommorow's pretty busy, get to go have some type of evaulation, to see if I'm crazy or something, so if no one hears from me after tom. I'm most likely locked in some Looney Bin God knows where. lol.

Well till next time,

If there will be a next time???

Mr. Maitake

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 05:44:53 GMT

Waking up at 2:33 in the evening makes you kinda depressed, you feel like you've missed the entire day. But I quickly rebounded with a nice meal. Cooked myself, tuna with shittake mushrooms (Lentinus Edodes, for anyone who cares) and carrots (Daucus Pastinaca), spiced with garlic (allium Sativum) and ginger (Zingiber Officinalis) topped with a teriyaki glaze. MMMMMMMMMMMMMM good. I felt really relaxed today in comparison to yesterday. I was really pist off at all the crap my last forced "drug" therapists put on me. The stpid woman that reviewed my arrest papers failed to notice that I had a DWI, well it just so happens that she put me in the wrong class accordingly. HAha, not funny considering that I'd already given them a $100 and wasted all that time. This was back in March, and since May 6, when I had all the information they needed sent to them, they still haven't sent my info to the new counciling center I was going to get to go to. WOO-Hoo!!!!!! Well, now I find out the new one is in trouble or some shit so they've leased out there ADETS classes and I get to go back to the GOd Forsaken center that has fucked me over because some freakin hoochie that cant read made a mistake. Grrrrr!!!!!!!!!!! Well next good piece of information I have to pester the hell out of them for is that the classes wont be starting till Aug. or most likely Sept. ugh, I swear they draw it out as long as they can in hopes that you'll forget and they get to tell you how fucked up your life is and force you through more mindless bullshit, that hasn't and isn't going to help me. The only thing I have learned from the classes I did take ( which were the wrong ones) is that Cocaine (Erythroxylon Coca) and Alcohol (Ethyl Alcohol) is only in your system for a day or two, but that bad ol' MJ is in your system for months. Basically they approve snorting strong addictive stimulants up your nose that can cause you to seizure out and have a heart attack, or get drunk and fight or have sloppy sex with someone you dont know, but dont touch Cannibis (Cannibis Sativa/Indica), that horrid weed that causes you to get happy, un-violent, makes you wanna eat and possibly go to sleep. Which is also proven not to have caused a single direct death, ok, possibly one from someone with some rare disease or aphaxaphiliation to Cannabinoids. Damn I feel a little better now, I need to blow off some steam. :)

4:33 A.M. Damn I wish I had the Old Albums

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 08:34:08 GMT

GREEN HEAVEN
About this planet, there is something I know
There's a very big difference between above and below
A friend foe, or bro, leave your body on the floor
Let your spirit fly away like the soul of a crow

Here, above land, man has laid his plan
And yes, it does include the Ku Klux Klan
We got a government so twisted and bent
Bombs, tanks and guns is how our money is spent
We got V.D., heroin, greed and prostitution
Tension, aggravation, L. Ron Hubbard solution
Not to mention hard-core chemical pollution
If you think you're just away, you're in a mental institution
And that's a heart felt shame
'Cos everyone's crazy, everyone's the same
So, why should only Larry, Curly and Moe be to blame?

Time now to take you to a different place
Where peace lovin' whales flow through liquid outer space
A groovin' and a gliddin' as graceful as lace
A never losing touch with the ocean's embrace
Diviner than the dolphin, that there is none
'Cause dolphins just-a like to have a lot of fun
No one tells 'em how their life is run
And no one points at them with a gun
They have a lot of love for every living creature
The smile of a dolphin is a built in feature
They be movin' in schools but everyone's the teacher
Someday mister dolphin, I know I'm go'n to meet you

Back to the land of the police man
Where he does whatever he says he can
Including hating you because you're a Jew
Or beating black ass, that's nothing new
Trigger happy cops, they just like to brawl
They use guns, clubs, gas, but that's not all
They got puke, ridden prisons and sex sick jails
Fuck the poor, if you're rich you pay the bail
So support your police, support your local wars
That's the way to open economic doors
Why do we do it? 'Cause the president's a whore
We assume the position to sell the ammunition
What the fuck? It's the american tradition
Along with going fishin' apple pies in the kitchen
Isn't it bitchin' seeing dead men in ditches?

2:33 Still Awake

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 06:39:06 GMT

I don't know why I like this song, it makes me wanna cry every time I hear it, but I still Love it:

This Velvet Glove

Close to my skin
I’m falling in
Someone who’s been

Sittin’ by the phone
I’m left alone
In another zone

John says to live above hell
My will is well

No one is waiting
For me to fail
My will could sail yeah

It’s such a waste to be wasted
In the first place
I want to taste the taste of
Being face to face with common grace
To meditate on the warmest dream
And when I walk alone I listen
To our secret theme

Your solar eyes are like
Nothing I have ever seen
Somebody close
That can see right through
I’d take a fall and you know
That I’d do anything
I will for you

Sailin’ for the sun
’Cause There is one
Knows where I’m from

I care for you
I really do I really do

Come closer now
So you can lie
Right by my side

Sit alone in the sun
I wrote a letter to you
Getting over myself

Your solar eyes are like
Nothing I have ever seen
Somebody close
That can see right through
I’d take a fall and you know
That I’d do anything
I will for you

Your solar eyes are like
Nothing I have ever seen
Somebody close
That was made for you
I’d take a fall and you know
That I’d do anything
I will for you

Close to my skin
Someone who’s been
I’m a falling in

Disasters are
Just another star
Falling in my yard

John says to live above hell
My will is well

Long to be with
Someone to tell
I love your smell

My day in DC

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 05:51:47 GMT

So today I awoke around 11:30, good thing too cause my mom just got off work for her lunch break. We went to Clemmons Kitchen, had good salad, bonded with mom too. I might be getting a job at the GNC too, woohoo, (No seriously, I hope I get the job). Went to Shady Grove (mom's the custodian there) helped de-weed the grounds with her, not the best job, but humble. She brought me home bout 1 0r 1:30, then ran into my dad. Got him to take me to McAmaco,round like 4:00, I was just wanting to get out of the house. Filled out an application, ran into some good friends ain't seen in a while. Talked to Stormy, she wanted me to come hangout and paint her room. Hitched a ride, being the bum I am. We cought up on recent junk, ordered pizza, then it was close to that time, 8:00, had to get home for my curfew, ugh!!!! Soon as I get home Micheal shows up. We hang out talk with my little cousin and her boytoy ShaggyNate, haha. We talked for a while, then he had to be home, has work at 5:00 in the morning, he works a trucking dock, hard, hard ass work. Then I recieved a call, from Whitney, I was glad to hear from her cause I hadn't in like a week. Then she told me what happened today. My normal day turned, I wasn't expecting what she told me. I don't wanna talk bout it though, if you should know you already do. It made me review my life. Not just my life but everyone's I know. Why, why does bad shit happen? It's innevitable, but why? What are we even here for? I was goin' to go to sleep early tonight, but I can't now. Some may criticize, but honestly, after everything has been stripped away, Jesus is still there, he can't be taken away. Hope someone else will pray for another friendly soul tonight.

Well It Sux but It ain't so bad, must be Purgatory,haha

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 06:36:58 GMT

Apprehended by the man again. I had to get rid of my "girl" but it may just be a blessing in disguise. Funny I say considering that my father and sister both have told me that they have had people praying intently that something would help me get out of the dregs that I have dwelled in for so long. Well, I'm not exactly happy per-say, but my life has definatly taken a turn for differnce, and quite honestly, I believe I strive off of difference. I look back at the last few months of my life, and well, it hasn't been much more than pathetic. No one to blame but myself. Still searching for that one person who lights my fiyah, but Hey, if I can't appreciate myself, then why the hell is anyone else goin' to appreciate me?
2:33, and I'm still awake, don't matter though, Ain't got anything to do tommorrow, so if anyone wants to come pick me up between the hours of 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. then I'd be glad to have some good ol' fashioned clean fun!!!! Hahahahahahahahahha, I never, never thought I would be in the position to say that.

Love all,

Benjy

Oh, I'm still depressed, but I have a flower

Mon, 24 May 2004 04:18:04 GMT

Well, I feel like shit! My friends either hate me (it seems like) or they feel sorry for me> :( Ugh!!!, I hate life at this point. I don't know what I'm doin' at all. So, I've put down a 1/2 a 1/5 of rum, and smoked some opium, hmm, I'm just about fucked up. All I need now is some pot and pills, and I'm as good as a cadavre. Hehe, I'm almost dead, no not quite yet, but I feel like it. So, what should I do??? I've been told to quit all the extracuricular activity I participate in, but why?
I have no one to fall back into, and have no one hold me, in fact I never have had such a person. Why!?!?!?!?!? I want someone to say is mine!!!! Damnit!!! I'm almost ready to go over the deep end now. I wanna die or stay so fucked up I dont know what's goin' on. I really wish I would have never started doing drugz :(

Perhaps Later,

Maitake_man